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Anchored Heart



An Anchored Heart will make you love even when you can't love yourself. An Anchored Heart will make you not love yourself because you love. An Anchored Heart will not let you believe you can be loved and allow you to love the unlovable even when it jeopardizes your life.

Love when you can't love yourself.
As a mother of two, a single mother, with active fathers for my children, one more than the other, but single woman with two kids.  There were plenty of times that I felt like Lord, I can't today... Am I Insane? Some who do not understand would ask "you can't what today?..." But, others who Love when you can't love yourself know that when there is an entire other life span depending on you to keep it together, set an example of self worth, set an example of goal setting, and set an example of faith sometimes you feel like you have fallen short.

You fall short because in that moment it is hard to love yourself through the trials of survival.

Trails of survival for some could mean waking up that morning and saying "I can do this" and getting dressed and walking out the door.  Other trials might include surviving a difficult day at work, or how you're going to manipulate your overdraft protection to make sure there is dinner and gas for tomorrow.  Any way the trial of survival looks you feel like you haven't done your best (even when every ounce of energy you have in your emotions tell you, you have). Am I Insane? for believing that I did my absolute best but it was not good enough for the goal I said I should achieve for the day. I am down on my self for getting only dinner made tonight, when I should have made lunches for tomorrow too, but I was too tired.  Do you love so much that you forget to love yourself? I have.  

I have forgotten to tell myself at the end of the night good job girl, you survived and your kids are happy.  My heart anchored in motherhood shows me that even when I cannot encourage myself I will wipe my tears and pick up my babies and play and love them, until it is bedtime when I have to love myself.   

What about when...

You don't love yourself because you love. 
As a woman (or a man..) have you ever anchored your heart to love someone so much, that you forget to love yourself? Am I Insane? because I have.  There has been nights of infidelity and tears, nights of pain killers and alcohol, nights of crying out to God for answers.  When I received my answer from God I realized I was required to love myself more than my adversary.  

But, God... I didn't mean I wanted to spend time with myself, I can't! When I got my answer and realized I loved a toxic character for my soul, I felt a tearing in my stomach.  Not a physical tearing but a spiritual tearing, like my stomach lining had caved in and the weight of love in my heart just crumbled.  The crumbling was the reality that I had spent so much time being a "good woman" I never spent any time falling in love with me. 

An anchored heart on a toxic character makes its more difficult to launch a new course for life.

When I changed my course and mapped a future alone I was scared.  Am I Insane? Its a toxic character, a person who takes advantage of my love, and exhausts my peace but I can't leave, so I thought.  It was when I realized I had lost everything, except my kids that my anchored heart tore through the stones of the sea wall I had put up and I walked out.  I thought to myself,  Am I Insane?  I am supposed to be married with children, not a homeless single mother entering survival mode. (See post titled: The Walking Dead) But I still love ... so I didn't just survive I learned to thrive with an anchor still piercing my heart, I chose to thrive! I found out how to love ... me (See post titled: Perfecting my Imperfections).

You love even when it jeopardizes your life. 
Survival sounds so intense when you say it, I get the image of me running through the valley of the shadow of death and a symbolic cheetah is chasing me and it seems like the forest never ends until I look up and realize God has been waiting to pluck me out my entire life.

For example, Am I Insane? for deciding to love after my heart has been taken for granted, survived disloyalty, and even physical pain. Am I Insane? for deciding to forgive but not relive, when a bloodline proves to be nothing closer than that a genetic trait. Am I Insane? for choosing to mentor and share my past of hurt and hardships to encourage women that are still able to change a future of pain. 

Sometime I feel insane, honestly.  Sometimes I feel is it worth riding the wave of regret, but I realize it is worth it. I anchor my heart to heal my character.  I love to be healed to be strengthened. The hurt hurts too much, the anger, and resentment slowly takes my mind.  I anchor my heart so my soul will not sink. PALM (Pause and let that marinate).

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